


but i'm not ready yet

by seeingrightly



Series: i haven't known you for a lifetime [2]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Study, Families of Choice, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, POV Mandy, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-19 01:07:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2368751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seeingrightly/pseuds/seeingrightly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“No,” Mandy says slowly. “We can’t wear whatever. When do you think the last time any of us went to a fucking Christmas party was?”</p><p>Mickey comes out into the hallway holding his other sock, heading toward his own room.</p><p>“I’m pretty sure the last party I went to,” he says, loudly so Ian can hear, “was the nine thousandth time Terry got outta the slammer.”</p><p>Mandy smacks Mickey’s bare shoulder and then shoves him towards his room. Lately he’s always finding a way to interfere while Mandy’s on the phone with Ian. Mickey flips her off, unbothered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but i'm not ready yet

**Author's Note:**

> this 'verse is gonna tackle numerous points of view and relationships, and is family-focused as well as sexuality-focused. surprise!!!!!! (character studies are a lot harder when you're no longer writing the character you over-identify with, though, man.)
> 
> there are mentions of, you know, terry and all that he entails; let me know if i should warn or tag more specifically.
> 
> title from charlene kaye's "strike a chord."

Mandy is the one who calls Ian.

“No one knows what the fuck to wear,” she says as soon as he picks up.

They’re supposed to head to the Alibi in a half an hour for the Christmas party. Svetlana is yelling at Mickey half in Russian as she stands in the bathroom doorway, putting her hair into some kind of updo. Mickey is wearing boxers and one sock as he tries to convince Yev to put on his snow boots. Yev won’t wear them unless there’s already snow on the ground, but it’s supposed to start later tonight.

Mandy’s standing in the hallway in a bra and tights, half her make-up done and all of her dresses plus some of Svetlana’s piled on of her bed.

“Oh,” Ian says, “you guys don’t have to worry. You can wear whatever.”

“No,” Mandy says slowly. “We can’t wear whatever. When do you think the last time any of us went to a fucking Christmas party was?”

Mickey comes out into the hallway holding his other sock, heading toward his own room.

“I’m pretty sure the last party I went to,” he says, loudly so Ian can hear, “was the nine thousandth time Terry got outta the slammer.”

Mandy smacks Mickey’s bare shoulder and then shoves him towards his room. Lately he’s always finding a way to interfere while Mandy’s on the phone with Ian. Mickey flips her off, unbothered.

“Oh,” Ian says again, and Mandy can tell that he gets it now. “I’m just wearing a button-up but I heard Fiona tell Debbie not to wear heels because of the weather, so they’re probably getting pretty fancy, I don’t know. The party’s not a big deal but they don’t get to dress up often, so.”

“Right,” Mandy says. “I can work with that.”

“At least now I’ll know why you’re late,” Ian teases.

“Shut the fuck up,” Mandy says, hanging up on him.

She goes to Mickey’s doorway. He’s pulling on a pair of jeans, one of the less shitty pairs that Svetlana forced him to buy in the last few years.

“Fuck you,” Mandy says. “Call Ian yourself if you want to annoy him.”

“Whatever,” Mickey huffs, his shoulders hunching as he button his jeans, like Mandy isn’t already totally aware of his big gay feelings for Ian.

“Wear your black button-up,” she says, and then she leaves.

Svetlana’s almost done with her hair, so Mandy joins her in the bathroom to finish putting her make-up on.

“You can definitely wear that flowy red dress with the sheer boob window thing,” Mandy says as she puts mascara on her other eye. “Just don’t do heels unless you wanna break an ankle.”

Svetlana hums as she finishes fluffing her bangs.

“What will you wear?” she asks. “Black dress with one sleeve?”

“Good call,” Mandy says.

It’s one of her less trashy dresses. She and Svetlana don’t have a lot of options between them, and most are from back when Svetlana was an actual prostitute, so mildly trashy is about as good as they get.

They’ve gotten used to one another, she and Svetlana. The first few months had been weird, when Svetlana barely spoke English and Mandy didn’t know just how forced her relationship with Mickey was. After Yev was born, things changed.

Mickey hadn’t gone to the hospital, which Mandy had bitched him out for at the time, watching him sit on the edge of his bed with his elbows on his knees.

“You knocked her up, asshole,” Mandy had said. “I don’t know why you’re acting all surprised now. You fucking married her. You know, after you fucked her –”

“It’s not like I wanted to,” Mickey had shouted, and then he had rubbed a hand over his face, and Mandy had known, she’d just known that he meant he hadn’t wanted any of it.

“Why?” Mandy asked, loudly, because the look on Mickey’s face was freaking her out. “Why’d you do it if you didn’t want to –”

“Terry,” Mickey said. “Because of fuckin’ Terry.”

Mandy could see his hands shaking all the way across the room. She felt like she was going to throw up. She wondered if Mickey ever heard about the abortion she’d had to get the last time he was in juvie, paid for mostly by shit she stole from around the house.

“Why?” she asked again. “Why?”

“Mandy,” Mickey said.

“Fuck you. Tell me why.”

“He caught me,” Mickey said, and then his voice gave out with a sound like a dry heave. “He caught me – he caught me with – having sex with –”

“Okay,” Mandy said loudly, “okay, okay, Mickey, stop. Stop.”

She knew. She knew what would cause Terry to – she knew why he would do it. She knew what Mickey must have been doing.

“Okay,” she said again, and Mickey looked up at her blankly, because they both knew it wasn’t okay.

None of it was.

Mandy doesn’t know how long they stood there like that, Mickey looking down at his hands and Mandy looking at Mickey, not saying anything. She didn’t know what to say, and she didn’t want to. If Mickey found out about what Terry did to her, if he tried to talk to her, she’d probably start swinging before he could finish a sentence. But if he said something, she would listen, even though she didn’t think he’d say something.

Eventually, Mickey’d gotten up and gotten a bottle and they’d passed out on the couch, shoulder to shoulder, only waking up when Svetlana brought the kid home and forced him into Mickey’s arms. That morning Mandy saw something in her brother crack. She wouldn’t have blamed him if he couldn’t even look at the kid, but he stood there, arms awkwardly bearing Yevgeny’s weight.

“We need to leave,” he said. “Before Dad gets out.”

He started talking to Svetlana. He started plotting. He started collecting money. He watched the kid. Mandy did, too. All of it. It was pretty much the first time she felt like something might work out, sitting on the couch with Yev on her lap, gurgling, as Mickey counted out piles of cash and Svetlana told them about her dad selling her for $300.

Mandy thinks about it sometimes, now, when they’re all sitting in their shitty apartment. Five years ago she never could’ve imagined this life, one where she’s comfortable sharing heels and lipstick with Svetlana, where she’s comfortable telling her nephew that she loves him and meaning it, where she’s comfortable and most of the time probably even happy.

Mandy stares at herself in the mirror once she finishes her make-up. She doesn’t think she looks any different than she did before, but she feels different.

She struggles her way into her dress and shoves on a pair of boots. They’re too clunky to look good with the dress, but whatever. The only one who might notice is Debbie, and she’ll probably tell Mandy that she made a smart choice, because she’s a weirdo who likes to act like everyone’s mom.

“Ready?” Mickey asks from her doorway.

He tucks his scarf into place, and then untucks it and does it again.

“Are you?” Mandy asks, pulling on her coat.

“Fuck off,” Mickey says.

He reaches a hand up to his hair, and Svetlana smacks his arm as she walks past.

“Mess hair up and I mess you up,” she says. “Yevgeny, where is your hat?”

They get on the train around the time the party is starting, which isn’t too bad. Yev complains about his snow boots the whole ride there.

“Hey, doesn’t Liam like Spider-Man?” Mandy asks.

She elbows Mickey in the side, and he grunts, but he gets it.

“Uh, yeah, I think he does,” Mickey says. “I bet he’ll be real excited to see your boots, huh, Yev?”

Yev sighs, but he squints down at his boots as he swings his feet. Mandy counts it as a win.

It takes them a bit to find the Alibi. The outside’s bright red but it’s unassuming, tucked between other storefronts. Inside is all dark wood and rickety-looking tables and peanut shells, but there’s tinsel and shit strung up along the bar and pool table. It’s loud. There’s a bunch of older guys and a few women, in addition to the people Mandy recognizes from Liam’s party, and everyone’s shouting and laughing.

Kev waves to them from behind the bar after they come in. He has a Santa hat on.

“Hey, guys, you can toss your coats over on that table,” he says, pointing to a mound near the door. “Just hang onto your valuables, ‘cause I don’t trust any of these low-lifes here, alright?”

“Excuse me,” someone says in a wheedling voice, and Mandy’s pretty sure it’s Frank, about to start one of the rants Ian’s told them about.

“Can I take off my boots?” Yev asks as Mickey takes off the kid’s other winter gear.

Mickey and Svetlana look at one another, and after a second she shrugs.

“No complaining if your socks get sticky,” Mickey says, and Yev nods.

Mandy bets it’ll be ten minutes before Yev starts to whine, but whatever, because he’s gonna whine either way.

After Mandy throws her coat onto the pile, arms wrap around her in an awkward hug from behind, and she smacks at Ian’s hands, trying not to laugh.

“Get off of me, asshole,” she says, twisting around and glaring up at him.

“No,” Ian says. “Merry Christmas!”

“Ugh, whatever,” Mandy says, but she hugs Ian back when he pulls her against his chest.

When he pulls away, she punches him in the shoulder, but not that hard. He smiles and shoves her with his elbow, just a little, and Mandy nearly bumps into Mickey, who’s squatted down pulling off Yev’s boots. Ian turns to Svetlana, who’s watching them with that expression she gets that’s mostly neutral but really means she’s amused.

“How are you?” Ian asks easily, because he’s a little less nervous around her now.

“Fine,” Svetlana says, reaching out a hand to steady Yev, who’s distracted now that Ian’s come over.

It looks like Mickey is too, because he takes his time setting Yev’s boots under the table instead of getting up right away. Mandy wonders if he’s building up to something, or if he’s nervous that Ian might be.

“Hey, bud,” Ian says, smiling when Yev leans back against Svetlana’s legs as he looks up at Ian.

Even though he’s excited, Yev always gets shy when he first sees him, like he doesn’t wanna seem as eager as he is. It freaks Mandy out sometimes how similar the kid is to her brother.

When Mickey stands up, he takes a second to fiddle with his sleeve and glance over at Yev before he looks up at Ian out of the corner of his eye, like he thinks he’s being sneaky or some shit. Mandy kind of wants to roll her eyes.

When she looks over, Ian’s smiling at Mickey in that quiet, indulgent way he’s picked up in the past week or so, the one he uses when he’s testing the waters before he does something like touch Mickey’s arm, or knock their shoulders together, or, that one time, kiss Mickey on the side of the head.

“Uh, hey,” Mickey says eventually, and he always looks a little unnerved when Ian focuses on him like that.

But then he shifts, putting a hand on Svetlana’s arm to move them all further into the room, and as he goes, his other hand winds up in the middle of Ian’s back, and after they’re situated it stays there, and so does the smile on Ian’s face and the slightly nervous look on Mickey’s.

Mandy can see that he’s tense, like he’s waiting for something to happen. She can’t tell if he’s expecting a stupid comment from someone like her or Lip or one of the loud drunken men, or if he’s expecting something much worse. She wonders if he’s scared of something big, like getting the shit beaten out of him, or something else, something softer, something like how and when to touch Ian, how to make the right move, how to do things the way he should.

“How’s being home for winter break?” Ian asks Yev, but he looks up at Svetlana and Mickey once he asks it, like he knows Yev’s not settled in enough to start talking yet.

Mickey visibly relaxes a little when Ian starts talk about something else, something that’s not him, and Svetlana looks between them, raising her eyebrows a little at Mandy.

“He still wake up very early,” Svetlana says. “Like me, not like his dad, right, Yevgeny?”

Svetlana runs a hand through the kid’s hair and smiles when he nods a little but doesn’t answer.

“How’s Nika doing?” Ian asks, and Svetlana doesn’t bother to hide her amusement as she answers.

Svetlana had surprised Mandy and Mickey, a couple weeks after they moved away, when she mentioned something about going out on a date with a girl that night. There had been a long, long pause.

“What, you a lesbian?” Mickey asked eventually, his eyebrows rising.

“I have choice now,” Svetlana replied, and at the time, that had been that.

A few months later, she learned the word bisexual and started using it, but otherwise, there wasn’t much conversation, just like none of them talked about Mickey.

Mandy would have been surprised when she found out about Mickey, but there wasn’t really time. There was Yev, and then there was planning, and then there was leaving. And anyway, nothing noticeably changed, like it did with Svetlana, who started talking about dates and sometimes has girlfriend or boyfriends for a few months at a time. Mandy didn’t know about her brother fucking guys before, and she didn’t know about it after. Just like Mickey doesn’t know about Mandy fucking girls.

Mandy doesn’t really date. She’ll talk about going out, sometimes, but it’s just hooking up. Mostly it’s guys, but sometimes it’s girls. It’s nothing that matters. Just like Mickey’s hook-ups never mattered.

Only now there’s Ian, and Mickey’s careful hand placements, and the blush that had spread across Mickey’s whole face after Ian pressed his lips to Mickey’s hair, quickly and quietly and in their living room.

Ian stays close to Mickey as he asks Svetlana questions about Nika, but his hands are in his pockets. Mandy wonders how Ian would be around them, her and Mickey and Yev, if they weren’t them.

“She not great with kids, but she get better,” Svetlana says, glancing down at Yev, who’s wrapped around one of her legs, squinting at a couple of guys at the bar who keep shouting.

Vee walks past them carrying a bunch of empty glasses, but she stops when she spots Yev.

“Hey there, little man,” she says, squatting down a bit. “The girls will be so excited that you’re here! And you can meet their brother tonight too.”

“Brother?” Mickey asks, because he and Vee apparently bonded or some shit at Liam’s party.

“It’s complicated,” Vee and Ian say at the same time, and then Ian adds, “I’ll tell you guys later.”

“Oh, that reminds me,” Vee says, standing back up and looking at Svetlana, “I hear you work for my mom. She’s right over there – come say hi! Me and Fi work for her every once in a while too.”

Vee wraps her hand around Svetlana’s arm and drags her away before she can respond. Yev looks a little annoyed, but he shifts until he’s leaning against Mandy, and she ruffles his hair a little. She jumps when someone shouts Mickey’s name from across the bar, and she looks up just in time to catch the slightly panicked look on her brother’s face. It turns out to be Carl, standing near the pool table with Lip and the kid that Mandy thinks is Chuck.

“Yo, Mickey,” Carl calls again, waving a pool stick until Lip smacks at him.

“Uh,” Mickey says, squinting.

“I have no idea what he wants,” Ian says, sounding a little apologetic but mostly amused.

“I can guess,” Fiona says, slowing to a stop near Ian. “He’s just gonna keep shouting ‘til you go over, so you might as well.”

She puts her hand on Mickey’s shoulder as he goes to walk past, stopping him, a serious look on her face.

“He’s probably gonna ask you about guns, or knives, or drugs, or some shit,” she says. “Whatever it is, don’t encourage him.”

“No shit,” Mickey replies, looking offended. “I do have my own kid, you know.”

“Fair,” Fiona says. “But if Carl asks about juvie, make sure you scare him.”

“Sure,” Mickey says easily, and Fiona smiles at him, and he gives her a look that’s a little bemused and a little approving before he heads over.

“Keep an eye on that, huh?” Fiona says to Ian, and then she goes over to Vee and Svetlana.

“Alright then,” Ian says, turning back to Mandy. “You figure out your schedule for next semester yet?”

“Ugh, maybe,” she replies. “I think so. I’ll text you when I get it finalized.”

“Sure,” Ian says. “We gotta figure out a new time to hang out at the park, right?”

“Maybe after it’s done snowing,” Mandy says, curling her lip a little at the thought.

She and Mickey both hate the snow, but Svetlana usually takes Yev out to play in it, and Mandy figures Ian’s all about it too.

“Daddy said we could have a snowball fight,” Yev says, tugging on the hem of Mandy’s dress.

“Uh, no he didn’t,” Mandy says. “I think he said he wanted to throw snow at our loud neighbors. That’s not really the same thing.”

Yev huffs and folds his arms. Mandy didn’t realize that Mickey pouted like a little kid until Yev, but he totally does.

“You know,” Ian says, “next time you guys come to my place, we can have a snowball fight.”

Yev smiles up at Ian, and Mandy is kinda relieved that she won’t have to deal, but this also means that Yev’s gonna whine until it actually happens now, so.

“Hey, do you guys want anything to drink?” Ian asks. “Kev has juice and stuff.”

“Sure,” Mandy says. “I’ll have a beer. What about you, kid? Juice?”

“Okay,” Yev says.

“Sounds good,” Ian says, heading over to the bar.

Mandy feels a little awkward, standing in the middle of the room with Yev, watching Ian weave his way through drunk guys and family members, but after he talks to Kev he turns and shoots Mandy a smile over some kid’s head, and she relaxes a little.

It happens a lot, when she’s with Ian. It happened the first time she talked to him, her walking to work and him walking to class, shoulder to shoulder on the sidewalk. There’s something about him, the way he smirks when he teases, the jut of his chin when he’s being stubborn, the warmth in his eyes when he smiles. It took her a few days to realize that she was thinking about dating him, and it scared the shit out of her.

Mandy has had two real boyfriends. When she was sixteen, she dated a boy who was smart enough to get out of their shithole town but too stupid to do anything about it, and Mandy pushed him until he snapped. When she was seventeen, she dated a man who pushed Mandy and pushed Mandy and beat Mandy until she snapped.

She hasn’t dated or driven since she hit her boyfriend with Terry’s car.

Then she met Ian, and she thought about dating him, so she tried to fuck him and get it over with. It felt like a good plan until Ian wrapped his big hands around her head and pulled away and gave her his kicked dog look.

“Mandy, I’m gay,” he said, and Mandy felt dizzy, mostly with relief.

Ian’s the only person who’s ever said no to Mandy, she’s pretty sure. But usually they come to her. She’s all bathroom stalls and stairwells, hands shoved down pants and up skirts, letting them kiss her but never initiating, not anymore, not until Ian.

She’s over it, though, because Ian is the best friend she’s ever had, and she’d rather put her head on his shoulder during her days and know that she gets to keep him, and put her mouth and hands on strangers during her nights and never think about them again.

Ian walks back over with a glass for Mandy and a little plastic cup with a lid and a bendy straw. Mandy wonders how often kids are in the bar, and if it’s just Kev’s kids or others as well.

“Here you go,” he says, handing off their drinks, and when Mickey appears at his side, he says, “Oh, I can go get you a beer too –”

“Nah, I’m good,” Mickey says, bumping his arm against Ian’s.

Ian gets a look on his face that’s a little teasing and a lot endeared and Mickey scoffs and rolls his eyes and shuffles away a little. Ian grabs his wrist to stop him and leaves his hand there, his smile softening.

It’s weird, seeing Mickey like this. Not the part where he doesn’t know what to do with his hands or his feelings – Mandy’s been watching Mickey try to deal with that for the past five years. It’s weird seeing Mickey be gay – actually seeing it. It makes it real.

“My socks are sticky,” Yev says, pulling on Mickey’s pant leg, and Mickey sighs.

“Didn’t I say you should keep your boots on?” Mickey asks, but Yev pouts up at him.

“Here,” Ian says, holding his arms out, and Yev lets Ian pick him up and settle him on his hip.

Mickey’s face goes through a bunch of different expressions really quickly, and Mandy would think it was funny if she didn’t get it. Yev letting Ian pick him up is a big deal, but it’s also just become pretty clear that Ian’s gonna spoil the shit out of Yev. It isn’t really a surprise.

“Gallagher,” Mickey says in a scandalized tone that makes Ian laugh. “No, fuck you. I was trying to make a point and you ruined it!”

“Oh,” Ian says, and then he looks at Yev all sadly, and Mandy can’t tell if it’s genuine or exaggerated when he sighs, “I can put him down if you want.”

“Daddy,” Yev whines, and Mickey puts a hand over his face and groans.

“Seriously, fuck you,” Mickey says. “Don’t make me the fuckin’ bad guy here –”

“Sorry,” Ian says, completely serious. “You’re right. Sorry.”

He reaches out and grabs Mickey’s wrist again, and Mickey stares down at it for a second like he’s thinking about shrugging it off, but he doesn’t.

Mandy never thought she’d see Mickey like this. She didn’t think he’d ever really date someone, even if he did like a guy enough. Something ugly twists its way through Mandy’s stomach, crawling inside her, when she sees Mickey let it happen, sometimes. He can do it, she thinks, when she sees Mickey touch Ian’s hair, when she sees Mickey let Ian look at him as long as he wants to, when she sees Mickey flinch and then apologize and mean it. He can do it, she thinks, and she’s shocked, and she’s proud, and she’s… something dark and ugly, too. He can do it.

Ian’s thumb is rubbing against Mickey’s wrist, and some part of Mandy hurts.

“I gotta piss,” she says suddenly, and she puts her beer down on the nearest table and walks away.

When she comes out of the bathroom, she heads back to her drink. Mickey’s over by Svetlana and Kev and Vee at the bar, Vee holding one of the twins and Svetlana holding the other. Mickey looks kind of uncomfortable but Svetlana actually seems to be enjoying herself. Ian’s talking to his oldest sister, the blonde one, whatever her name is, and her kid, with Yev still sitting comfortably on his hip. Ian’s nephew is telling a story that involves a lot of hand gestures.

Mandy’s surprised when Ian’s older brother comes to stand next to her, looking at Ian as he takes a sip of his beer.

“I don’t wanna hear your smart-ass comment,” Mandy says shortly, taking a sip of her own.

Lip gives her a look that might be kind of appraising.

“I’m allowed to be concerned,” he says.

“You don’t have to be a douche about it,” Mandy says. “Although from what I hear, you can’t help it.”

Lip smirks a little.

“Alright, we won’t talk about our brothers,” he says. “Tell me about you.”

“Is that a come-on?” Mandy asks, curling her lip.

“It could be,” Lip says, shrugging, “although that might be a little weird, given the brother situation that we’re not talking about.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Mandy drawls, taking a sip of her beer.

“Alright,” Lip says easily, “but really, you go to school with Ian, right? What are you studying?”

“Fuck if I know,” Mandy says. “I’ve got one last semester of gen eds and then I need to pick a major. I got nothing.”

She shrugs, like it’s not completely terrifying that she’s wasting money on a plan that still ends in a huge question mark.

“This is probably the part where I tell you that you’ll figure it out or some shit,” Lip says, toasting her with his glass.

“Great,” Mandy says. “Thanks.”

Debbie comes over, a suspicious look on her face.

“Are you being an asshole?” she asks Lip. “You probably are. Go away.”

Lip pokes Debbie in the side and pulls a face but listens to her without even sparing Mandy another glance. Debbie rolls her eyes at him over her shoulder and huffs. She’s got on tight blue dress that doesn’t really look her style, especially because it’s paired with really, really old snow boots that have pink rhinestones on them. She probably borrowed the dress from Fiona.

“Was he?” Debbie asks.

“Yeah, but so was I, probably,” Mandy says, shrugging.

“Yeah, but Lip’s boring,” Debbie says. “You’re the fun kind of mean.”

Mandy raises her eyebrows, and Debbie laughs, a little self-consciously. It’s funny, how similar she and Ian are. It makes it really easy to notice where they’re different. Ian mostly gets nervous when he doesn’t know how to read someone, Mandy’s pretty sure, when he thinks he’s miscalculated and presented himself the wrong way. Debbie’s not nearly so conscious of what’s going on in other people’s heads, and it freaks her out pretty obviously. She’s easier to read and easier to shake.

“Anyway,” Debbie says, fiddling with the strap of her dress, “I think Ian and Yev bonding is great. And, like, super cute.”

She looks over her shoulder at Ian, who’s getting another cup of juice from Kev at the bar. When he hands it to Yev, the kid says something and Ian laughs, throwing his head back, and Yev ducks his head against Ian’s shoulder shyly.

“Yeah,” Mandy says, and she actually means it.

“Lip is just, you know, doing his overprotective know-it-all thing,” Debbie says. “He’s worried about how it’ll affect Ian if it doesn’t work out, especially ‘cause it’s not just Mickey he’s attached to, you know?”

“I’m still gonna be Ian’s friend even if my brother fucks it up,” Mandy says.

She feels her shoulders drawing up. It’s something that’s crossed her mind, but she won’t really let herself think about it too much.

“Oh, no, I know!” Debbie says, flustered. “Lip just likes to plan for the worst.”

“Plan how he thinks he’s gonna fuck up Mickey, you mean,” Mandy says, kind of amused.

“Yeah,” Debbie says, “but I keep telling him that you’ll get to Mickey first, if it happens, so he won’t even get a chance. And then I’m next in line, before him and Fiona.”

“Really?” Mandy asks, raising her eyebrows at Debbie and her sparkly snow boots.

“Uh huh,” Debbie agrees. “I like Mickey. I actually talk to him. And I’m cataloguing his weaknesses.”

Mandy snorts into her beer. Thing is, Debbie means it. Mandy’s seen the shiv Debbie keeps in her backpack, and has seen her play videogames. Debbie seems soft, much softer than Ian, but there’s something thrumming under the surface, something that Mandy thinks she must have felt herself when she over her boyfriend. Girls like them can’t afford not to have that current of electricity running beneath their skin, and even though Mandy’s seen Debbie’s cheeks turn pink and her hands shake and her breath catch, there’s a spark under her warmth.

“Oh,” Debbie says, “Ian’s waving us over. Maybe just one of us? I can’t tell. Whatever.”

She links her arm with Mandy’s, on the side without a sleeve, and as her hand brushes Mandy’s dress, a static shock jolts Mandy’s side, just barely. Debbie drags Mandy across the room to where Ian’s standing by one of the tables. Mandy ignores Debbie’s clammy hand in the crook of her elbow.

“Hey, Debs, where’d you put the bag?” Ian asks as he passes Yev off to Mickey.

Yev looks a little annoyed, but also curious. Mickey’s wearing the same face. Yev’s got lighter hair like Svetlana, and her nose too, but most of his expressions are Mickey’s.

“Kev put it behind the bar somewhere,” Debbie says, and Ian goes off to get it.

“Is it a gift?” Mickey asks, squinting after Ian. “I said no gifts. We all agreed no gifts.”

“Little kids don’t count in the no-gift rule,” Debbie says, shrugging and dislodging her arm from Mandy’s. “Besides, it’s something small.”

Mickey sighs loudly as Ian comes back with a newspaper-wrapped gift that’s actually pretty big, tall and wide but mostly flat, a guilty smile on his face. Yev looks back and forth between Ian and the gift, obviously not sure if it’s for him. Mickey squints.

“That’s not small,” Mickey says.

“It was cheap though,” Ian says, doing his earnest face.

Yev leans close to Mickey’s ear, cupping his hand around his mouth.

“Is that for me?” he asks in what he thinks is a whisper.

“Yeah, kid,” Mickey says, shifting his grip so that Yev can lean forward in his arms and take a closer look.

Yev reaches out and touches the newspaper before looking up at Ian out of the corner of his eye, biting his lip.

“Open it,” Ian says, and Yev pulls away the newspaper to reveal a bright green plastic sled.

“Cool,” Yev says, his eyes going wide.

“What do you say, Yev?” Mickey asks.

“Thanks!” Yev adds, dropping the newspaper scraps on the ground. “Can I show Mama?”

“Sure,” Mickey says, shifting Yev to one arm and grabbing the sled with the other before giving Ian a look. “We can ask her when she wants to go sledding with you and Ian, huh, ‘cause I’m sure as hell not doing it.”

Ian watches them walk away with a stupid smile on his face.

“Are you secretly a giant five-year-old?” Mandy asks, kicking at Ian. “I think you like hanging out with my nephew more than with my brother.”

“Maybe,” Ian says, shrugging. “Hey, is he really pissed that I bought Yev a gift?”

“Maybe,” Mandy replies. “We don’t really do gifts, except for Yev, and it’s not like we’re used to people trying to buy us shit, you know?”

Mandy shrugs, looking down at her empty glass.

“Guess you’ll have to get used to it,” Debbie says brightly. “We don’t do too much for Christmas, usually, but birthdays are a big deal, ‘cause we’re only buying for one person at a time.”

“I already asked Svetlana when all your birthdays are,” Ian adds. “Don’t worry.”

Mandy looks between Ian and Debbie and their matching smiles. It’s new, all of this. It’s new, and it’s weird, but she’s getting used to those faces. Mandy feels something settle in her stomach, and she smiles back and she means it.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on tumblr at [professorwolfjwolf](http://professorwolfjwolf.tumblr.com).


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